I Suck. Wanna Make Something of It?

Eventually, I'll need to double up on these posts. And I will; my list of topics hasn't even received so much as a glance yet. 

I'm skipping an out-of-town family event this weekend because I can't afford to go and I'm trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for not spending money I don't have, something I would have done in the past. But I don't like missing these get-togethers. It always feels like I'm missing something important: fun, bonding, future inside jokes. There'll be reports and photos, but it just isn't the same.

The other reason I'm staying put is an interview I have on Monday for a job. It's not a job I want to do, but it's a job at which I excel as well as one I can earn some decent money doing. The interview is a formality and I should start getting work right away. These will be temporary assignments, so I'm hoping they will be relatively pain-free. Maybe having somewhat of a schedule will be enough to pick up my mood which has been fairly sucky as of late. Fingers crossed.

I Know, I Know

I've skipped a couple of days. But I vow to have 30 posts up this month. It's not the pressure of writing everyday that is getting to me, I just keep forgetting. My life is not terribly busy at the moment, but I'm really trying to make it busier. 

The last time I looked for a job I was 11 years younger and not sure what it was I should be doing, but I had a few interesting connections, so I went on interviews at a few interesting companies. In the end, a job I wasn't looking for landed in my lap. It wasn't something I'd studied for, but it was something I did well and it was a job in which I became very much emotionally invested. It also consumed a great deal of my time and energy. While it wasn't what I'd planned on, that job provided me a livelihood and a whole lotta love. 

This is not the type of job I'm looking for now. I may not know exactly what I want, but I know I don't want the emotional investment anymore. Not from a job, not now. My hope is that I'll find enough work to keep me busy-ish (I still have plenty of my work to do.), allow me to meet some new people and bring in enough money to stop my worry, with a little to set aside for when I want stuff again.  Oh! And some health insurance wouldn't hurt either, although I suppose I can just wait a little while for that. And while I'm not going to say I'm willing to do ANYTHING, I'm kinda willing to do anything. 

Wish me luck.

Babies and the End of the World

"2012": Crappy movie. Really. LB, you warned me, but J had it from Netflix and I'm just a sucker for disaster films. I've always been excited by the thought of impending doom. Wait. That didn't sound right. Anyway. 

When we were kids, my sister and I loved the book "Baby Island". A recent read-through made me realize how silly and poorly written it is (along the lines of a "2012"), but we were taken with the idea of two young sisters, shipwrecked and caring for a passel of infants and toddlers on a tropical island. With armfuls of dolls, we would pick a corner of the house and pretend we were responsible for all those little lives. 

I suppose that was the beginning of my love of the last-people-on-Earth genre. And I will, to this day, and most likely forever, read or see anything involving said circumstances. Maybe it's the "we're all in this together"ness. Or the onus of having to sustain civilization; making the choices about what will be important. 

What I think I love most, though, is that the characters are compelled to say exactly what they mean (The world could end at any moment!) and not take each other for granted (You could be gone without notice!). Obviously, it's just not practical to live one's life as if each day is your last. If that were the case, I wouldn't be worrying about my credit card debt. But I can certainly try my best to let my loved ones know they are just that and be kind to anyone else who might cross my path. I really don't want the guilt weighing on my conscious when the earth splits in two under my feet and I'm sucked into the molten core in the middle of my supermarket.

Casual Friday

Someone recently-ish accused me of treating men casually and I was very taken aback. Certain this wasn't the case, I argued my position. The last couple of weeks have made me re-examine this argument and the conclusion I've come to is...I was right all along. 

Have I gone on a date with a guy and never spoken to him again? Yes. Have I fooled around with a guy I wasn't necessarily interested in? Yes. I'm guilty of these offenses. I will also cop to prolonging bad dates just to have a great story. But the key, I think, is that I go into each new date with a glimmer of hope that this one will be "the one" (whatever "the one" means is a whole.'nother.story). 

A couple of weeks ago, I was getting ready for a date that seemed especially promising. I'd been nervous and extra anxious, worrying over what to wear and whether to use the straightener or the curling iron to do my hair. This guy was handsome, funny, musical, grew up in a lovely home, had an interesting job in the arts and our sole phone conversation had gone very well. But I've been on enough first dates to know that things don't always work out the way they seem to on paper. There've been too many surprises for me to get my hopes up. (Sometimes it works the other way: a guy I'm not so sure about ends up being a lot of fun. Obviously, a much pleasanter surprise than the alternative.) I texted C on my way out the door, expressing my exasperation at myself for, despite knowing better, being excited. His response summed it up pretty well: "aww. hopelessly hopeful". Me, in a texty nutshell.

April Fool

At last, and at great pain, I've found a downside to being less cynical and more trusting; there are assholes out there in the world perfectly willing to take advantage of such a positive approach to life. 

It used to be very easy for me to think the worst of people, to see sinister motives in kindness. This was because I didn't have much of an interest in finding out their true intentions and I certainly wasn't interested in getting to know them. In many ways, it's easy to not trust anyone: none of your time is wasted getting to know someone who may end up being someone you don't wish to know; if you're prepared to be hurt by anyone at any time, you're never taken by surprise; and of course, if you don't allow yourself to feel close to anyone, you'll never feel betrayed.

But I made a big change and a decision to give the benefit of the doubt whenever I have the chance. This is a really, really good way to live. I'm sure it is. Even if it has the potential to cause hurt feelings. 

Here's the short version of the story: Girl meets boy. Girl and boy exchange 1,000 texts over a fun, flirty week. Boy takes girl out a couple of times. Girl, despite less than strong feelings for boy decides this thing can work after all and, as a result, makes a rash (read:stupid) decision. Boy never calls girl again. Now for the REALLY lame part: Girl makes this mistake a LOT.

Despite premenstrual crankiness and some general malaise, I'm going to look at the onset of April and this sunny day which followed days of downpour as a fresh start. I'm determined to stay positive and keep doling out my trust. The chance of being hurt is worth the risk of that big payoff I get from so many of my loved ones and the one I'm sure to get one day from some lucky, lucky boy.

Postscript: Girl's sending of hostile emails and texts only improves bitter mood slightly. Girl may need pissed off cousin with a flaming bag of dog crap to really feel better.

I'm Baaa-aaaack!

So, I honestly didn't intend to take a two month break. When I ended my January blogstravaganza, I assumed I'd continue to post a couple of times a week. Then life happened. Things I couldn't write about, but at the same time consumed a lot of my time and energy and most of my waking thoughts. It's become very important to me to be as open as possible with my life, but sometimes the story is not mine to tell. All is not well, and may never be fully settled, but I am sleeping much more soundly and I'm anxious to start sharing again. That means...you guessed it...another month of daily entries! I've got a list of things I've been meaning to write about and I'm stretching my hunting-and-pecking fingers RIGHT THIS MINUTE. 

To all the people who asked about my absence and told me they were looking forward to my return, thank you. I appreciate being missed. Hell, I just appreciate you paying any attention at all!

In a reluctant nod to Oprah, here's something I know for sure: holding a tiny, sleeping baby in your arms and listening to the rhythmic in and out of his breathing can make you forget a world of woes. Even if the moment he's let go, your arms are left empty to welcome the rush of badness back in again.