I'm Baaa-aaaack!

So, I honestly didn't intend to take a two month break. When I ended my January blogstravaganza, I assumed I'd continue to post a couple of times a week. Then life happened. Things I couldn't write about, but at the same time consumed a lot of my time and energy and most of my waking thoughts. It's become very important to me to be as open as possible with my life, but sometimes the story is not mine to tell. All is not well, and may never be fully settled, but I am sleeping much more soundly and I'm anxious to start sharing again. That means...you guessed it...another month of daily entries! I've got a list of things I've been meaning to write about and I'm stretching my hunting-and-pecking fingers RIGHT THIS MINUTE. 

To all the people who asked about my absence and told me they were looking forward to my return, thank you. I appreciate being missed. Hell, I just appreciate you paying any attention at all!

In a reluctant nod to Oprah, here's something I know for sure: holding a tiny, sleeping baby in your arms and listening to the rhythmic in and out of his breathing can make you forget a world of woes. Even if the moment he's let go, your arms are left empty to welcome the rush of badness back in again.

I've read it takes thirty days to make a habit and I suppose I did get into the habit of writing here everyday. But that doesn't mean I'm not excited today is the last day of the month. However self-imposed it may have been, I needed the pressure of other people knowing I made the promise of daily posts. Funny, I've never been great taking pressure from an outside source, but then when I turn it on myself, I still need to be checked up on every once in a while. 

In the past, when I've set a goal for myself, I would often keep it to myself. The embarrassment of possible failure kept me from sharing it with anyone. Lately I've tried extra hard to talk openly about my plans (when I have them) and I've realized what a great idea that is. Not only does it help me stay accountable, it offers me encouragement as well. Getting a message or a phone call about something I've written gives me a little thrill. Even if it's just from my mom.

So, will I continue to post everyday? No. But I will make an effort to share what I'm thinking more often. And I'm renewing my resolution from New Year's Day, too. Remember the "wake up with a positive attitude" thing? Yeah, I pretty much forgot it too. Here's to February 1st and fresh, new hopefulness. Thanks for reading.

So, I think there are two schools of thought about how to handle an illness. There's the suck-it-up-and-keep-going school and the hide-in-bed-for-three-days school. Obviously, not every ailment is suck-upable. And not every sick person has the luxury of wallowing in bed for three days. But the way I see it, I have these options and I think the reason I'm still suffering is I haven't chosen one or the other.

When I had a job to go to everyday, when I felt things couldn't work without me, I would stock up on nasal spray and grit my teeth and get through the day. I rarely called in sick and often wouldn't even mention I wasn't feeling well. That was just a false sense of indispensableness, I suppose. Or a way to not seem weak. Whatever the motivation, I believe there's something to "fake it 'til you make it". Pretend you're just fine and sooner or later, you're fine!

Since I don't have somewhere to be on a daily basis right now, I've tended more towards the wallowing. But I haven't fully committed to it. I lie in bed for a few hours and then feel guilty I'm not looking harder for a job and get up and start working on applications and writing samples. Then I swig some cough syrup and crawl back under the covers and try not to swallow. But then I remember I'm supposed to make dinner and be somewhere, so I force myself up and into the shower and out the door. 

Yesterday was the first day I spent fully focused on getting well. I kept myself doped up and sleepy and rarely got out from under my covers. My goal was to not feel pain and I managed to get pretty close. 

Today I rallied for a birthday party and I'm glad I did. It did me a world of good to get out and see new faces. And tonight, my bed feels all the better because of it.

Chills. Fatigue. Swollen throat. Clogged ears. Menstrual cramps. Putting myself in a nyquil coma until it all goes away.

D

More talk about surprising friends. Well, one friend. I literally picked this one out of thin air. One hot summer night, while scrolling through names and faces on facebook, searching for a man with a couple of particular characteristics, I came across D, but he was a name without a face. I decided to go out on a limb and shoot him a message. When he immediately answered back, I got excited and when I saw his photo...let's just say my excitement didn't wane. 

In the end, D and I only saw each other twice before he left New York to return home at the end of the summer. That second night we hung out will be etched in my mind as the craziest and some of the most fun I've ever had. Ever. Never did I imagine we'd still be talking to each other.

Across an ocean and a not insignificant time difference, not only have D and I maintained contact, but he now feels like my close confidante. Ours is a friendship forged almost entirely online, but now D may have a chance to come back to the States and I've found myself getting psyched about having him closer. I'm anxious to see how he's held up over the last, very rough 17 months. He deserves some good luck and hopefully, it's headed his way right now.

Today chatted on line with two different men (well, more, but only two of them are relevant to my story), read the blog of a woman (which I check everyday for a new post) and had dinner with another woman. What do all of these people have in common? They attended middle school with me. (R, M, K, B-respectively)

Never would I have imagined I'd be spending this much time communicating with people who saw me wearing braces and making unfortunate eyeshadow choices. B and I have always stayed in touch, so it's not surprising I still know her. But now that I'm living near her, we seem to have settled into a regular visiting schedule. We have a good time together, just like we always did. And I adore her husband and kids. I like having a constant in my life. Especially one in the form of a non-family member, someone you doesn't have to tolerate me.

Reading K's blog has been an inspiration to me, not just to write more, but to think in a new way. The more I read about her, the more I want to know more.

R and I lost touch for a while and he isn't a consistent presence in my life, but I'm always happy to hear from him and get an update about his life.

And then there's M (who doesn't believe I'm actually writing about him tonight). He was a facebook find and has quickly become a near daily touchstone.

What does it say about me that I have all of these people in my life again/still? The negative part of me would say it's because I've regressed. But I'm not listening to that part. Instead, I'm choosing to believe I was good judge of character at 13 and I still am.

***This was all typed up last night, but when I went to post it, the blogger server was down and I thought I'd lost it all. After a hefty dose of nyquil and a decent night's sleep, I found a portion of this entry had been saved; I finished it up, again, this morning. It counts as yesterday's post. It counts!!!