Let's Face It

I'm not going to reach my goal ((promise). cringe.) of 30 posts this month.  It sucks because I like to pride myself on promise keeping, but I've been living an actual life, people. With work and boys and NYC and everything. So, while I'm sorry to fall short, I'm not sorry I've been too busy. And I know no one out there was too disappointed with my still fairly frequent entries.  No matter what my mother says.

Baby Steps

You know what? Who cares if I'm behaving like a toddler. This new whateveritis of mine (attitude? outlook on life?) IS only a few years old, so I suppose I'm bound to make a few mistakes while I figure everything out. And get used to not being able to figuring everything out. Black and white got thrown out the window and left behind a whole lotta grey. But part of this late immaturity manifests itself as me having a fit because I'm not getting everything I want or I'm ashamed of a mistake. Quiet tantrums, for the most part. And instead of turning on others, I scold myself. Progress?

Choices: Part Deux

Again, I'm likening myself to a toddler. Sigh. Apparently, I needed one of my choices taken away. Wasn't making my mind up fully enough, so one of my options removed himself from the equation. Maybe that's what I was waiting for anyway? 

I do have a history of procrastinating until there really is no time to do anything other than the task at hand. Not sure if this situation totally relates to this particular problem of mine, but there are parallels. Instead of making a clear decision right off the bat and getting to work making THAT work, I hedged. I hemmed and hawed. I MOSTly chose Door Number 1. Only I kept the key belonging to Door Number 2, in order to peek inside from time to time. Well, Door Number 2 changed his lock and won't be inviting me for any more visits. 

Now I get to focus on 1. That's a good thing right? And J says I have a problem with commitment! Crazy talk.

Choices

I think I made mine. Why "think"? Probably because I'm never completely sure I'm doing the right thing. Worry seems to seep in wherever it can find a crack and I'm full of them. It seems as if every time I get one of those cracks filled in, the pressure moves to another area and creates a new fissure. 

In my head, I know choosing one boy over another doesn't have to be a life-long commitment. But the idea of missing a good opportunity bothers me. And things are too new with the chosen one to know for sure whether or not I've made the right decision. When does that confidence kick in? A few weeks? Months? Never? Or should it have already happened, right away, like in a movie? The answer is most likely "never". I really, really hate that answer, because I really, really hate doubt.

No need to wonder, A; of course this is about you.

Work, Work, Work

I did it! It had been a while, 7 months to be exact, but it hardly hurt at all. 

Obviously, when I left my job in NYC, I knew I'd have to find another one eventually. Well, I knew it when I wasn't fantasizing about a giant check being dropped into my lap from the money fairy. Or pretending I was going to discover a long forgotten trust fund. Any day now. Or at least a great big bank error. While I'm waiting around for one of those things to happen, I might as well keep myself busy with work.

The truth is, it wasn't so bad. Strange, to be sure, since I'd been doing the same thing, with the same people for so long, but way less than terrible. I did feel a little rusty, but it all comes back rather quickly when you're plunked into the middle of things.

And the thought of the numbers in my bank account going up and the numbers attached to my debt going down is a big relief. While it make not actually make the world go round, money does affect one's stress level in a big way. No matter how much I wish it weren't true.

Not Fair

Like a toddler, apparently I can't handle having too many choices. When it comes to boys, I'm used to them making the decisions for me. If I don't like him, it's easy to just ignore him. If I do, it can go two ways: he likes me too and we move forward or he doesn't and I never hear from him again. It's a pretty efficient system. 

Why, oh why, then has the universe chosen to screw with me by throwing too many options my way? How do I make sure I'm doing the right thing, making the correct choice? A selection of jobs would have been nice. And easy, for that matter. But too many suitable suitors? Not fair.

Speaking Of That Interview...

Obviously, I provided the interviewer with my references. And all three were people I knew would speak well of me. Duh. But only 2 of them were people I'd warned about receiving a call. Both were eager to help and both got back to me after they'd been contacted to let me know the calls had gone well.

The third is more complicated. My best reference, to be sure, but the one about which I was most nervous. Probably why I avoided the warning. When the woman conducting the interview informed me she'd spoken to all of my references, all I could do was wonder what had been said. Never did I imagine this person's report would be less than positive, but I wanted the actual words. And I spent much of the interview wondering about them. I'm still wondering. 

Wouldn't it be fantastic if everyone would just say what they're thinking? Positive reinforcement shouldn't end with adolescence. It would make my day to hear the kind words that were said ABOUT me, spoken TO me. This experience is making me try even harder to let the people in my life know I love them and think the world of them. Some of them actually get uncomfortable with this sort of acknowledgement. That just means they don't hear it enough. Most of us don't.