I cried in front of the boy. I wrote the boy a birthday card. I asked to see the boy two times in one day. And now the boy and I will be spending two whole nights together. In a row. I keep raising the stakes and he keeps matching my bets. (Why, oh why did I choose a poker metaphor when I'm not even sure I'm using it the right way?) Despite the fear, I push forward. So far, I've been rewarded. Eventually, I'm not gonna love the answer. I know this and I'm thinking about how to be okay with this.
People keep chastising me for preparing for disappointment. As if their romantic lives have never hit a snag. Bad stuff happens. People get hurt. Why can't I steel myself for that? This doesn't mean I expect catastrophe. I don't think I do, but I'd rather be ready for it than not.
Today, it's all rainbows and cupcakes and I'm concentrating on all the good. Which is good enough for me.
thats the thing: you Can't steel yourself against it. thats the very thing. you THINK you can, but you can't . . it still whallops. you can't be ready for it. its catastrophe, its in the definition. disaster. not 'mildly upsetting thing we were prepared for'. .
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