Resolution

Here's my promise: A new post everyday of January. Credit for the idea goes to wifemother . 

Here's hoping I can do as bang up a job as she did in November; I'll settle for coming close.

Day 4 With No Voice

Still speechless. Still sad. Maybe this will start to become comical? I could use some comedy.

My voice is gone. I've been croaking and whispering and making all sorts of sick animal noises for three days now. Perfect time to write, right? But all I find myself doing is feeling miserable and frustrated when no one understands what I'm saying. 

C accused me of being extra needy today and I pled guilty. My take on the situation? My extra neediness requires extra attention. Would it really make me feel better if someone was doling it out to me? I'd like to find out. 

I'm well aware of how whiney and exhausting I can be when I set my mind to it. And it seems that's exactly what I've chosen to do. Over the past many (too many) years, any illness I contracted, I suffered through alone. I never liked it, but it never seemed like something I could change. Now I know I can. I just need to find a volunteer. Some day, some one is gonna like me enough to want to take care of my sick self. 

SATC and The L Word

Two very surprising things happened this past weekend in New York:

1) When I went looking for action from a man I considered a reliable source, I was denied. 

2) When I wasn't looking for anything, a man told me he is in love with me.

I thought it would take me a while to get over 1, but 2 is providing quite a distraction. Lots of processing taking place over here in my head.

Bad, Bad Blogger

In a few hours I'll be on my way to New York City for a visit and my excitement in palpable. (that's for you, C) From Texas I traveled to California and visited wonderful friends and enjoyed spectacular weather and I promise to (eventually) write more about the last couple of weeks. But for the moment, all I can think about is going HOME!

These three months have gone by so quickly, as I've mentioned to anyone willing to listen lately. And then, when I really stop to think about it, it seems as if I've been gone so long. I realize three months isn't exactly an eternity, but it's a season! It's kids who've grown an inch and lost a couple of teeth. It's friends who've had an entire relationship begin and end. It's a park that's gone from autumnal splendor to wintry nakedness. It's many, many moments I'll never know about and can never reenact. Not that I'd want to. The many, many moments I lived on the road provided me a lot of insight, a whole bunch of fun and some desperately needed closeness with loved ones. I'm not sorry I left, but I'm more than thrilled to be returning! 

And I'm not exactly done with the adventure. I still have that pesky "what will I do with my life?" question to answer.

Degree of Difficulty

Nineteen years ago, when my family moved to Dallas (dragging me with them, kicking and screaming) I'd made up my mind to not like the place. In my teenageriness, I'm pretty sure I was justified. It was the middle of my junior year, a few weeks before my 17th birthday. I'd started figuring out how to loosen up a bit and have some fun and then WHAM! TEXAS! My misery was no secret, either; I didn't exactly keep it to myself. 

Just about everyone I tell about this move comments on how tough it must have been for me. Even my parents, years later, confessed maybe they'd made the wrong choice, not letting me stay behind to graduate with my friends. At the time, though, they'd explained to me the importance of staying together as a family. In those days, it was down to just 4 of us, my older sisters having left home years before. My parents told me they just didn't think it was right to leave me behind. I've long since come to understand it was the difficulty I had living in Texas that spurred me on to move to New York. It also stunted my social and emotional growth  for a long while, but I think it all comes out even in the end. 

If I'd've* stayed where I was comfortable I'm really not sure I would have left that comfort. And I'd dreamed of living in New York City since my first day trip at 8 years old. I made that dream happen. And then I got comfortable in New York City. 

Sometimes comfort will seem like happiness. It isn't. It's having an apartment and a job and knowing both of those things will be there tomorrow. Those are nice things and I'm almost positive I'll want those things again someday. But those things aren't enough. What's making me happy lately is knowing there are people in the world who really know me. Because they want to and because I'm letting them. Maybe the only way I know how to get some change going in my life is to make a big move.

On a cold, rainy day like today, the comfort of a cozy, warm bed is welcome and appreciated. But for my life, I prefer some challenges, some difficulty. I stopped doing Monday crossword puzzles because I knew I'd be able to finish them. Sometimes I can't finish a Thursday, but I enjoy trying. My life right now is a Wednesday; it's gonna be tough and it may take a while, but I have the confidence I need to make it through.

*Even if it's not grammatically correct, the double contraction is one of my most favorite things in the world. I get so tickled when I can squeeze one in! See? It really is the little things!