Degree of Difficulty

Nineteen years ago, when my family moved to Dallas (dragging me with them, kicking and screaming) I'd made up my mind to not like the place. In my teenageriness, I'm pretty sure I was justified. It was the middle of my junior year, a few weeks before my 17th birthday. I'd started figuring out how to loosen up a bit and have some fun and then WHAM! TEXAS! My misery was no secret, either; I didn't exactly keep it to myself. 

Just about everyone I tell about this move comments on how tough it must have been for me. Even my parents, years later, confessed maybe they'd made the wrong choice, not letting me stay behind to graduate with my friends. At the time, though, they'd explained to me the importance of staying together as a family. In those days, it was down to just 4 of us, my older sisters having left home years before. My parents told me they just didn't think it was right to leave me behind. I've long since come to understand it was the difficulty I had living in Texas that spurred me on to move to New York. It also stunted my social and emotional growth  for a long while, but I think it all comes out even in the end. 

If I'd've* stayed where I was comfortable I'm really not sure I would have left that comfort. And I'd dreamed of living in New York City since my first day trip at 8 years old. I made that dream happen. And then I got comfortable in New York City. 

Sometimes comfort will seem like happiness. It isn't. It's having an apartment and a job and knowing both of those things will be there tomorrow. Those are nice things and I'm almost positive I'll want those things again someday. But those things aren't enough. What's making me happy lately is knowing there are people in the world who really know me. Because they want to and because I'm letting them. Maybe the only way I know how to get some change going in my life is to make a big move.

On a cold, rainy day like today, the comfort of a cozy, warm bed is welcome and appreciated. But for my life, I prefer some challenges, some difficulty. I stopped doing Monday crossword puzzles because I knew I'd be able to finish them. Sometimes I can't finish a Thursday, but I enjoy trying. My life right now is a Wednesday; it's gonna be tough and it may take a while, but I have the confidence I need to make it through.

*Even if it's not grammatically correct, the double contraction is one of my most favorite things in the world. I get so tickled when I can squeeze one in! See? It really is the little things!