Okay, Go Ahead and Be Surprised

Yes, it's been nearly a year since my last post and yes I'm a shitty blogger(not the surprising part). I like to think of myself as a writer, because in my head I form thoughts in full sentences, as if I'm readying them for the page (or screen, as it were) and because when I go back and read the things I've written, I'm entertained. And proud. But, good lord!, am I unmotivated. And I've done precious little writing at all in the many months since I abandoned my blogpost here.

Here's a quick list of things I have done in those months (to the best of my recollection, in chronological order):

-celebrated Thanksgiving with the boy and his family (and my sister's family) instead of traveling to where I would have otherwise feasted. And, key, I didn't regret it.

-got through my first sleepover with the boy's children (a pre-arranged accidentally snowed-in sleepover). the boy slept on the couch. it went well.

-had someone to kiss when 2011 rolled around.

-saw the Grand Canyon and experienced Las Vegas for the first time.

-on a related note, partook in a family trip of sorts with the boy and his kids.

-on a similarly related note, met his father and stepmother along the way.

-fretted a lot about when the boy would marry me. out loud. to anyone with ears. or lip-reading ability.

-worried almost as much that the boy would marry me and then i'd be a wife and a stepmother. with a mother-in-law.

-married the boy. ( from here on out, i shall call him husband. )

-became a wife.

-became a stepmother.

-got a mother-in-law in the deal.

-moved into a 5 bedroom house in the suburbs. the FAR suburbs.

-had a good portion of my cervix removed in order to help me get pregnant.

-shamed myself into posting here.

wifemother reminded me about the whole "post every day of november" thing and I'm gonna do my damnedest. Even if I am starting a day late. And seem to have less motivation than ever. Maybe this will help with that?

Don't Be So Surprised

A post had to happen sooner or later; I just didn't imagine it would be THIS much later. Aside from plain, old laziness, I realized that writing about my life keeps me in my head. I do way too much of this and I really try hard to live instead of thinking about how to live my life. The whole "je pense donc je suis" thing is really overblown. Nothing is going to stop me from thinking, but when I'm spending time with others, when I'm in the middle of my life, I want to not have 43 things running through my mind. Coming here causes me to keep those hamsters on their wheel.

So, to sum up, my excuses for a six month dearth of blogging are: laziness and life. And the boy. Who, in those months has become the love of my life. My life. Which is fast become not just mine. SO much of it is intertwined with his and his children's. And I'm not even mentioning his mother. (Another time.) If I intend to keep writing, I need to figure out a way to do it without making any of these people uncomfortable. (Obviously, kids and mom don't read this. Phew.) Not only because it would make things for me pretty uncomfortable, but because it's fair.

Since (still working on what to call him) likes to tease me about not posting here, I suppose that means he doesn't mind it so much. And I suppose he shouldn't, since I tell him pretty much every thought that runs through my head, even if it takes a long time for them to make it out of my mouth. Maybe he likes the checks and balances of seeing what I say to him show up here in black and white. Or knowing that those near and dear to me (and a couple of strangers thrown in for good measure.) (and the computer that likes to leave comments in chinese?) will read about how great of a guy he is. No need for that either, because I'll tell anyone who asks, and some who don't. Maybe he hopes I'll stop feeling the need to tell him everything if I have an outlet here? Oy. I'm sure he'll let me know.

Good Together

Wifemother is right; there's no preparing oneself for heartbreak, no matter how inevitable it seems. So, after a little flipping out earlier this week, I'm working on not worrying so much. Again. Always. 

The flip-out happened when I started questioning just exactly where the boy saw whateveritisthisis going. Meanwhile, I don't have a clue how I would answer this question. What I do know is I like the time we spend together and find myself wanting more. Instead of driving myself batty, keeping the question in my head (or complaining to friends about it), I discussed it with the boy. Like a grown-up. Except for the crying part, but I kept that to a minimum. Also, I may have complained about it to friends.

When he reciprocated my feelings, telling me he "loves spending time with (me)," I was relieved. And flattered. He's a busy boy whose free time is limited and I'm honored when I get some of it. But I'm still gonna want more. I'm dealing with it and trying to get busier myself. Both with a little bit of success.

And about "the boy"... He doesn't love this moniker; I need to think of something new to call him. I'm open to suggestions.

Upping The Ante

I cried in front of the boy. I wrote the boy a birthday card. I asked to see the boy two times in one day. And now the boy and I will be spending two whole nights together. In a row. I keep raising the stakes and he keeps matching my bets. (Why, oh why did I choose a poker metaphor when I'm not even sure I'm using it the right way?) Despite the fear, I push forward. So far, I've been rewarded. Eventually, I'm not gonna love the answer. I know this and I'm thinking about how to be okay with this.

People keep chastising me for preparing for disappointment. As if their romantic lives have never hit a snag. Bad stuff happens. People get hurt. Why can't I steel myself for that? This doesn't mean I expect catastrophe. I don't think I do, but I'd rather be ready for it than not.

Today, it's all rainbows and cupcakes and I'm concentrating on all the good. Which is good enough for me.

Whateveritisthisis

He said "relationship", so let's go with that. I'm proud of myself for only freaking out (and inwardly, at that!) for a few hours before questioning the boy about it. His response: "That is what this is, right?" Huh. Well, I'll be! I guess so. It feels good, even if the words are still difficult to say.

And now I've been invited to one of his work functions. Terrifying. Like a test for which I have no idea how to study. So, I will jump in head first and probably talk too much, as usual. And hope no one realizes how NOT EVEN CLOSE to a brilliant computer nerd I am.

Yesterday, I received an email from one of my C's. The youngest, girlest (not to be read as girlIest) C. Goodness, do I love hearing from her, but nothing can send me into a fit of tears like reading her (or her brothers') messages always does. 

Absence hasn't made my heart grow fonder; that would have been impossible. It's just that the interactions we have now are so far-between that each one packs an emotional wallop. All the love and longing I've had for her during the in-between times has compounded and hits me like a wrecking ball. But I can take it. Knocks me down, stings for a bit, then I get back up and move towards the next one. Sigh. (She totally got that from me.)

Phew

After a little misunderstanding, the boy was okay with it. Not sure he's gonna be a loyal reader, but I don't need him to be. I just need him to be okay with me. And my urge to spill my guts to anyone willing to listen. Also, if he could rub my feet once in a while, that'd be good, too.

Here's something that will be extra hard for me: talking to him about something before I talk myself through it on here. He pointed out that he didn't want to be surprised by anything he reads here. Nothing that involves him, anyway. He's right; that's a fair expectation. 

I wonder if he'd be surprised to read how much fun I have in the time we spend together. (a LOT) Or what a kick I get out of his shyness and what I interpret as his fondness for my lack of it. (please let that be the case) A few days ago, I tried to get him to fight with me, because I'd been trying to imagine how we would argue. He started a faux-fight with me about not wanting to fight. That was pretty damn cute. I'll stop now.

Now He Knows

Told the boy about this blog because C said I should. Yes, I'm down to one; made my choice and throwing myself into it. I honestly thought C would tell me I didn't need to own up. He's way sneakier than my brother-in-law, who recommended against sharing. But I suppose it's only fair for the boy to know if I plan to write about him. While cooking him dinner, I spilled the beans. Clever, right? Who could be upset at someone using fresh thyme and organic chicken breast? I made my own mushroom stock, for goodness' sake! He seemed to handle it pretty well. Of course, he hasn't actually seen it yet.

I'm a bit reluctant to write, though. And not only because he could potentially read it. Even before I told him, I was nervous about labeling whatever-it-is-this-is. Afraid of jinxing it, for sure. But also just afraid. 

I'm not used to things like this working so smoothly. Or being excited to see someone each and every time. Granted, there've only been 8 times, but, seriously, that's a record for me lately. And I certainly haven't gone nearly three weeks without looking for a date in recent (or even not so recent) memory. Frees up a lot of time. But doesn't leave me with many options. I know I said I need my choices to be limited, but not having a back-up really puts a lot of pressure on the boy. And me.