fish and house guests

As I approached week 4 at S & J's, my visit started to become more of a residency.  And I started to feel as if I needed to be moving on to the next place.  The thing is, neither of them made me feel as if I'd overstayed my welcome.  On the contrary, they both seemed to go out of their way to highlight the benefits of having me around.  There's my fantastic sense of humour, which goes without saying, although I do find many occasions to talk about it.  Cooking several dinners helped, even if they did include vegetables that had never before been served on their table. (To J's credit, he ate his share of brussel sprouts, broccoli and cauliflower.  As for S? I'm considering it a small victory that she even put them in her grocery cart. Baby steps.) I also readily took J's hints to empty the dishwasher.  And after the initial day with the construction crew, they trusted me with overseeing the project. J may have even started to forget about the garbage disposal. I've honestly never felt so welcomed and, frankly, taken care of. Maybe they were still transitioning to having their kids out of the house and still needed someone to parent.  However, t he fact that I was willing to BE taken care was starting to upset me. 

Not only was I willing but I was really enjoying it, too. I've taken care of myself for a long time, most of the time believing I had to, some of the time wanting to, a lot of the time wishing I didn't have to. It's always made me uncomfortable to accept help from others and I've (over)analyzed all the reasons this is so. Not feeling worthy, worrying I won't be able to reciprocate, not wanting to seem needy.  Those are the biggies. But here's a secret: I AM needy. Not in a high maintenance, materialistic kind of way, though I may have been that kind of needy at some point. I'm emotionally needy and I've always had a hard time expressing my need. I want support offered to me without asking. The rub? I probably won't take it even when it is offered!  

I'm learning, taking those baby steps, to ask for what I need from people, to tell them what I'm thinking and feeling. In a lot of ways, this journey has forced my hand. I'm traveling alone, but I can't do this on my own. I need people to open their homes to me, to give up time in their schedules for me and sometimes, to listen to me cry about the directionlessness of my life today.  I've made a pledge to myself to try very hard to give voice to my feelings, to not pretend everything is fine and I can handle it all. Because I can't handle it all. I've attempted to manage myself for over a decade and it wasn't working out very well, so I figure it's time to ask for reinforcements. 

C was the first person I (as an adult) took from, readily. His graciousness and my love for him allowed me to feel comfortable having him take care of me. And then I moved on to S & J.  They're family, so maybe it made things a little easier. I found comfort in their home, being cared for by them. But as lovely as it was, I needed to keep moving; there are so many more people off whom to mooch!  All in the pursuit of personal growth, mind you.  Mooching for a higher purpose. I should have cards printed up.