The doctor took just a smidgen more of my ever-shrinking cervix in order to ensure that she had indeed removed all of the apparently just-shy-of-cancerous cells. Then, for good measure, she went ahead and took some of my blood to ensure I'm even ovulating. How can such a tiny piece of my body (I took a photo to show husband. reason #23 I'm a bad wife) and small amount of blood leave me feeling so depleted? Maybe it was the 5 noticeably pregnant women in the waiting room? Not to mention the 3 who I imagined to be pregnant, just less noticeably. Or the nonstop thoughts in my head about how easy baby-making seems to be for everyone else. Even though I know several women who have had it not so easy, I am selfishly not including them in my calculations.
In my more optimistic moments, I try to picture how silly all of this worry will seem when I eventually get pregnant. But those moments are fewer and farther between and who says I definitely get a baby anyway? Again with the selfishness (it's actually pretty disgusting how selfish I'm being-tales for another time.), but when I'm feeling sorry for myself (when am I not lately?), I start thinking about the number of other people's children I've cared for (literally hundredS) and how much time I've dedicated to learning about child development and perusing lists of baby names and I want my damn baby already. Is a baby one works harder to make a better baby? More loved? If I try hard enough and wait long enough, will I get a good sleeper/non-whiner/brilliant piano prodigy who'll take really good care of me in my old age? Because seriously, I don't need all of that!*
As my idol Veruca says, Don't care how, I want it NOW!
*Non-whiner is kind of a deal-breaker for me. But I totally know how to handle that.
i'm totally laughing at you right now. even though it could be considered unkind. because you WILL get a baby, and it'll be a challenge in ways you can't even imagine, just because that is the way it works, like the irony of your pregnancy glitches right now... you who has raised so many.... hang in. and now on to #4! right? i'm waiting.
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